Earning true love


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Pondered and discussed many a times, but seldom experienced the true feelings and emotions, and the very few blessed ones who have are either in bliss or some who are eternally in pain yet in love with the feeling. Love!

 Many aspire to experience love, some assume from what they see and are told and some imagine it to be something that’s a wonderful feeling that completes their experiences. Many feel being in love makes them more tolerant and peaceful yet there are those who fight, in love, which is mauled by their very own ego. Often mistaken as something that one rightfully deserves for just merely existing, many forget that love has to be earned. As opposed to getting love it is more about giving unconditionally. And getting love in return is one of the most wonderful experiences one can have. 

Love is a feeling, an emotion, and an experience that’s not tangible. It cannot be held, possessed, locked up, or limited. It has to be realized and experienced freely. Once a person begins to feel possessive, and selfish about love, it disappears like a smoke. Love is also the pain in which one missed someone. Love is also in the happiness when it’s shared. Love can also be a one way street. One can be in love secretly and still feel loved.

Love, is not just about an exchange of emotions or the complexities that part takes within a relationship between two individuals. I feel it’s about the emotions involved within ones heart, when they give away something that is very dear to their heart to someone else and find greater satisfaction and peace in doing so. It’s about the thought process one undergoes along with their own very personal emotions when selflessness becomes more valuable than what you get out from a relationship. It is about the synergies and the willingness to give up something for the other person’s happiness or to accommodate a situation for other person’s happiness. It’s about the little moments and gestures one takes for granted when in love but die for every single one of them when they are apart. It’s about each and every sense of theirs that is associated to moments shared that they can think about and dwell in it for a life time.

Love – an art of giving someone all that’s dear to you without expecting anything in return but secretly hoping it will be reciprocated one day! There are of course a zillion quotes, poems and stories about love, but very seldom experienced, shared, and learned from. How many times and who have we loved unconditionally, without expecting anything in return, yet giving it freedom and being tolerant of the person? But what we find more often is people who are in search of true love are doing so for more selfish purposes. For them it is about what they can get, and how much in can they get in terms of good looks, time, loyalty and comfort to satisfy their needs with very little to offer in return.

Love is the art of understanding as a mature person that imperfections is a natural fact and essential part of any given person and yet overlooking it for the purpose of still wanting to be together. It is very emotional and yet spiritual. It gives you the strength as you give more away and makes you stronger by making sacrifices. You enter a state of being were you have conversations, exchange ideas, laugh at their jokes and habits and are generally warmed by their presence, even when they are far away from you. You catch yourself thinking of them and smiling or laughing or even at times, perhaps talking to yourself. You at times smell them around, hear their voices and drift away from reality for brief wonderful moments of togetherness. One must also realize that love grows on you over time. It is not something that you can demand instantaneously and find it.

Another common aspect about love is having the wisdom and enough knowledge to identify and realize it. People often misunderstand love from infatuation. Especially the younger generations often fall into this trap and find themselves too deep into a marriage with a kid before they realize that it wasn’t love bust just a brief infatuation. Usually this is yet another common contributing factor to a possible, divorce, separation, single parent situation etc.

I like to separate infatuation from love by a simple difference. Infatuation is what you want to get from this person in your life, where as in love it is about what you want to give to this person. Also, love at first sight, instant love and hitting it off etc, are part of the infatuation process where almost everything is instant and too quick, where in love, it takes it time, it grown on you, it happens to you as realization, understanding and emotion all work together to help you feel comfortable.  In love it is more about substance, character, personality, compatibility and emotional balance where in infatuation, its immediate, physical attraction, social pride, biological, and momentary satisfaction..

In true love, people are unselfish, giving in nature, patient for love to flourish and grow upon one and other. They often behave conducive to the other person’s feelings, and emotions, they are aware of the other person likes and dislikes and want to do things for them expecting nothing in return.

When infatuated, you often find yourself thinking of how you both can compliment each other in a particular social situation, party etc, the social appearance and acknowledgement as a couple is more important. You find yourself being more selfish, where your needs and wants are more than the other persons and you want to push the relationship to next level as opposed to let it grow naturally.

There is a sense of impatience when it is an infatuation as opposed to love. There is a sense of urgency to accomplish what you think you have lost or have been longing for. You want instant gratification. You want to have this person in your life immediately. You begin to imagine having sex, or rush to get into bed as soon as possible. You seek intimacy immediately. There is a strong sense of losing the person if you wait. Every other person around you seems to be looking at your partner and you feel threatened. You begin to seek advice from every other person, regardless of them being a good source or bad. You begin to react to every piece of advice you get and then add more fear to your thoughts by constant criticism and analyzing of the other persons character. And with all these fears and collective paranoia you rush into marriage only to regret later.

On the contrary love is calm, cool and collected. You are patient, and not threatened. You will want to wait, and begin a beautiful process of introspection and becoming a better person within to compliment the other. You feel calm and collected and always have time to plan everything you want to do. You are in no rush, and secure about each other. Love makes you feel good, motivates you, and you will immediately find yourself doing things differently in a positive manner. You will notice an immediate change in your behaviour towards others and especially towards the ones you were upset earlier. You will find yourself to be more accepting, loving, forgiving, and whole as a person. You deeply know that you are making the right choices and taking the right decisions. You are willing to wait as long as it is needed to fulfill your dreams. And most importantly you begin to look different and beautiful.

If you are one of those who feel, that it’s my life, my independence, my likes and dislikes, my money, my family and I am compromising my wants that are more important to me, then don’t shoot yourself when you have trouble in your relationships and find yourself being hurt, lonely and misunderstood etc. This is because such a selfish nature doesn’t contribute positively for a union of two separate individuals and personalities in a relationship to last and grow. It is often bound to fall apart unless the other is either very compromising or has totally given up and lives a dual life. Either way the meaning of love and togetherness becomes a pseudo relationship. You can of course blame the whole world and the two dogs across the street, but the fault lies in you.

People in love truly and honestly, often find themselves complimenting each other, inspire and motivate each other, treat each other with respect and yet are funny together, behave in a manner it shows that they are proud of their partner as opposed to being proud of themselves.  Simultaneously, they are often patient and forgiving of each other, listen to each other, depend on each other  and above all, one strives to behave in a graceful manner often bringing calm and peace to the other.

Similarly, when one takes love to the next stage in terms of a lasting relationship and look at it from a “compatibility” point of view, one has to first truly understand what “compatibility” is. It is often misunderstood to be a matching of likes, faith, culture, style etc. A proper definition of compatibility is actually existing or performing in harmonious, agreeable, or congenial combination with another person. People do not have to marry a clone or their identical self to be truly compatible. In fact identical individuals often end up having greater difference eventually. Instead one should look for similar values, morals, comprehension, willingness to accept and respect the other for who they are and not what they can become, willingness to accommodate other persons likes, point of view, and do it with and for love, but not as a favor. These are what makes true compatibility and helps build a relationship on secure grounds of mutual respect and understanding. But one should also remember that it is not wise to hold on to certain beliefs or habits too adamantly without proper reason or basic understanding of its purpose which could weigh heavily on a relationship. One should be willing and open-minded to exchange their old fears, rituals or closed belief systems they may have been raised with for a new life with more mature, modern, and mutually agreeable and beneficial values and habits. This kind of approach will nurture and help develop their new relationship.  Closed mindedness and holding on to old fears and belief systems yet expecting life partners who are modern and intellectual will only eventually put a lot of stress on the relationship.

Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you don’t have. If there is no love in your life, whatever else there is has a lot less meaning. The secret of our existence is not only to live but to have something to live for.

We all are aware, love grows with time where infatuation is weakened. So, take the time to realize what you are feeling and getting yourself into. Ultimately you will face the consequences of your choice. There is no escape. If not anything else, karma will come back to bite you in the rear. I always say love finds its greatest satisfaction in making others happy over trying to use love to make yourself happy. And people who are capable of being honest and love truly from their heart can be easily identified. They seem happier, cheerful, speak their mind out, and generally there is a glow on their faces and carry a radiant personality. But those who aren’t in true love often appear to be angry, carry a look of guilt, have trouble making eye contact, or blind themselves with their pride, ego, arrogance, lust and desperation. If you don’t agree and yet feel guilty of being one such person, take a look at yourself in the mirror. A little honest introspection won’t hurt!

Lastly, ask your self if you are truly worthy of what you seek for in love. Write a wish list. List down all that you want in your partner or spouse. List the physical must haves, the personality they must have, the level of education if necessary, their financial status, what would be their ideal background in terms of family, lifestyle, upbringing etc,  list all that you desire for in this person. Imagine this person in your mind and think where a person with these attributes may be found.   Now, take a good look at the mirror and analyze yourself in detail and ask yourself this: “why will a person with qualities will want to live with me?”. Are you truly worthy of this person? And be honest about it. If you are not, then make the changes in yourself first and become worthy of such a person. The rest will just happen in good time once you are truly worthy. We often end up with what we truly earn.

Earn the love you seek!  



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